"Taught" Helplessness [and the Risks of Assertiveness] - Part Two

I was lucky. I had a work-around available to me, and am old enough, cynical enough, and shameless enough to use it. I went to the Web, printed the information I needed from the reliable professional reference that I had already located, and contacted someone who knows me, respects my intelligence and ability to report events accurately, and is legally permitted to prescribe medical treatments in my state of residence. This might have been my primary physician. It might have been a colleague who works in a teaching hospital. It might have been a suitably degreed colleague in medicine or dentistry, two floors above or below me in the place where I work. No matter; the bottom line is that I obtained a hearing, made the appropriate professional arrangements, and began a course of antibiotics and pain relievers 30 minutes later. By the time I saw my regular dentist the next morning, I had been able to sleep through the night, the pain had diminished, and I was confident that the antibiotics and pain relievers I had in hand would protect me until the endodontist could 'fit me in' to her schedule that day, even if nothing more was prescribed.

It was wise to make these clandestine [but legitimate] arrangements, because my dentist prescribed precisely the same antibiotic and pain reliever when I saw her. Because I am 'pushy' and 'don't know my place', I actually began taking the necessary medications more than 24 hours earlier than I would otherwise have had them. No, I didn't admit this. Had I done so, the second set of prescriptions would probably have been withheld, and as it turned out, I was going to need them. Because, after two hours with no callback from the endodontist, I drove directly to her office, where I discovered that she was out for the day, and her staff was ignoring voicemail.

Because this endodontist is absolutely brilliant, I booked the first available emergency slot, watched to see it entered in the appointment book, and filled the second set of prescriptions immediately. [My insurance company, of course, refused to pay for them, since I had filled identical scrips 24 hours previously. That's the same game, on a different field; take careful note.]
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Once you reach a certain age, you realize that 'all's well that ends well' is less accurate than 'all's well that ends'. Bringing resolution to problems of this type is a fortunate event, much more dependent on luck than skill, and deserving of celebration.

I did not 'cause' my dentist or the endodontist's office staff to take my situation less seriously than it should have been taken, or to ignore their voicemails. This was a predisposition on their parts, perhaps due to stress, perhaps to overwork, but entirely unconnected to me in any causal fashion. However, in this case it could have had serious, even fatal, consequences for me. And in the Learned Helplessness / Self-Help paradigm, it is I who would be considered blameworthy. That is obscene.

Similarly, I did not 'cause' the availability of a helping professional who knew me personally, took me seriously, and was willing to 'run interference' for me so that I would have the medication my condition required while waiting to be seen by my regular practitioner. This was luck, resulting from my childhood fascination with science and medicine, my good fortune in being able to pursue a degree that places me in contact with working practitioners of various specialties in various locations, and my even better fortune in knowing several such people who are willing to help on occasions like this. I did not 'attract' the help I needed. Many people who are just as deserving of this kind of help, this kind of luck, simply do not have it, and suffer terribly as a result. That, too, is obscene.

I am glad to see writers like Ms. Niesslein, and Kathy Krajco, and Anna Valerious, and Meg [please see links to: What Makes Narcissists Tick, Narcissists Suck, and Brisbane Christian Fellowship, for Kathy's, Anna's, and Meg's blogs], standing up and roaring about the vile social gospel of blaming the victim and using that blame to justify withholding assistance, for which the victim is then further blamed and taught to blame themselves! Their reaction is humane, decent, and desperately needed. May their words and voices gather strength until they cannot be ignored.

One final note, regarding 'the Risks of Assertiveness' in the title of this piece.

Classical assertiveness training teaches you to continue beating your head against a wall in situations like this. The idealized assertive outcome would have been that I stood up for myself and my rights in an adult, non-confrontational way, a miracle occurred, and I was seen and treated by my dentist and endodontist on the same day that I made the original phone call. My choice to resort to what was, effectively, a 'second opinion' from someone I trusted to take me seriously, would be considered a non-assertive, and thus somehow inferior, approach to the problem. Never mind the fact that it worked, and in the circumstances may quite possibly have saved my life...

It would be lovely if we lived in a world in which asserting ourselves to those who don't want to hear us actually worked - but, of course, we don't. For one thing: this is the position I started from. I did all the correct assertive things in presenting my symptoms when I first called. I was adult, I was appropriate, I was calm and non-aggressive. Net result? I was blown off, essentially told to go sit in a corner and fester. Which I was lucky enough to be able to avoid having to do.

Continuing to do the same thing in these circumstances and expecting a different outcome - trying over and over to get a hearing from people who are not listening and are not going to begin listening because they do not want to listen- isn't 'assertive' at all.

As pretty much any serious recovery group will tell you, it's simply insane.