Abusive Amends
Given that certain types of abusers can indeed apologize - to their cronies - for dramatic effect and as a means of manipulation - and for the secondary gain of causing pain to their targets...
how do abusers make amends?
In my experience, those who are capable of doing so at all tend to make amends in the same way they give gifts.
It is about them.
Again, it is usually done for dramatic effect and as a means of manipulation [and if the target is in the vicinity to be snubbed and reminded of his or her unimportance and undeservingness, so much the better].
There is a good rule of thumb to apply here as well.
When an abuser 'makes amends', they will never do so by modifying their behavior, owning their behavior or taking responsibility for its consequences. They will give something, quite often something they already have and want to get rid of, or something that's actually for them, which means there will be a price tag attached for you.
I recall a gent who sought to 'make amends' to me a few years back. He did this by offering to escort me to a performance... two days before it was scheduled to occur... on his season ticket... after his date dumped him... with the expectation that I would provide transportation. Having had lunch with this man shortly before amends became necessary, I could with some confidence predict that he would also almost certainly 'leave his wallet at home' on the day in question, thus putting me in the position of having to pay for his meal as well as mine, and for parking.
The gent had a six figure salary... and that is pretty much the textbook scenario.
[For the record, I declined. And I did get my $20 back from the earlier 'left-my-wallet-home' lunchtime escapade.]
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how do abusers make amends?
In my experience, those who are capable of doing so at all tend to make amends in the same way they give gifts.
It is about them.
Again, it is usually done for dramatic effect and as a means of manipulation [and if the target is in the vicinity to be snubbed and reminded of his or her unimportance and undeservingness, so much the better].
There is a good rule of thumb to apply here as well.
When an abuser 'makes amends', they will never do so by modifying their behavior, owning their behavior or taking responsibility for its consequences. They will give something, quite often something they already have and want to get rid of, or something that's actually for them, which means there will be a price tag attached for you.
I recall a gent who sought to 'make amends' to me a few years back. He did this by offering to escort me to a performance... two days before it was scheduled to occur... on his season ticket... after his date dumped him... with the expectation that I would provide transportation. Having had lunch with this man shortly before amends became necessary, I could with some confidence predict that he would also almost certainly 'leave his wallet at home' on the day in question, thus putting me in the position of having to pay for his meal as well as mine, and for parking.
The gent had a six figure salary... and that is pretty much the textbook scenario.
[For the record, I declined. And I did get my $20 back from the earlier 'left-my-wallet-home' lunchtime escapade.]
.
posted by Stormchild at 28.12.07
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