Death of a Forum

A frequent reader directed me to this URL

as a sad example of how online recovery groups can be targeted and savaged by predators.

I never knew this group or its participants, but it seems clear to me, from the following account, that something of great value has been destroyed -

- by abusers -

- yet again.

Grief Group
In Memoriam
June 10, 2001 – June 1, 2008

Grief Group and its planned successor, Grief Chat, have been closed permanently.

Since its inception in 2001, Grief Group has had more than 269,000 visits from grieving people all over the world. We became the Number One grief website on Google. We have helped hundreds of people weather and survive the storm of grief caused by the loss of a loved one and other traumatic life experiences. We offered a safe haven to those who couldn't find any other website where they could feel safe from bashing, flaming and attack. No other website offered such sympathetic and understanding advice, offered by those who "had been there". Members helped each other and could present their problems without being judged. Those who were with us for a while and who had recovered from their grief to some degree, turned around and helped newcomers through the same tortuous path to recovery.

GG offered diversions, such as games, a humor message board, dog chases, chats with a robot and other activities enabling grievers to take a break from their problems. Many times, we would see posts from newcomers saying, "This is the first time I've laughed in months. Thank you!"

There was more — much more — but I won't go into that because GG is now closed...forever.

I created GG when my wife passed away in 2000. I couldn't find a decent grief website anywhere on the Internet, so I built one. I clearly remember opening it on June 10, 2001, and wondering if anyone would ever visit. Seven years and a quarter million visits later, GG has answered that question.

Shutting down GG was not an easy decision. I have invested seven years of my life in it. Days, nights, often around the clock, weekdays, weekends, and holidays, I supervised GG and continually improved website programing, while blocking destructive visitors and those who meant us harm. I estimate that I have devoted 30,660 hours to actively managing our website — 30,660 hours — wow, that's a lot of work!

GG has been shut down because, although I could protect it from enemies without, I couldn't protect it from enemies within. Some of our members had hidden agendas, instigated by a few vindictive people who had left in the past because they couldn't dictate website policy for their own selfish ends. One of our members became a target when she saw through their smoke screen. Behind the scenes, they worked secretly to have that member banned so they could return in triumph. When that didn't work, the disgruntled instigators influenced easily swayed members, directly and indirectly, to continue a campaign of harassment until the targeted member finally resigned in disgust.

After that upsetting event, I closed GG temporarily while I evaluated the situation. I could not, in any good conscience, allow the continuance of harassment whose long-term goal was to force out everyone who stood in the way of a few former members' plan to return. Such an insidious power play is more characteristic of Washington politics than a social website devoted to helping grieving people.

The only sensible approach was to remove members of the "secret society" that had caused trouble in the past, and planned to continue it in the future. After doing so, I would have to closely monitor GG to make sure they didn't sneak back in with different identities and entrench themselves while they renewed their efforts at destruction. I could have cleaned house and followed that with close monitoring, but I had serious doubts as to whether I had the time available. As Webmaster, I already had my hands full managing GG. With the additional task of playing security guard, my available time would have been quickly exhausted. No — although theoretically possible, it was not a realistic option. I have a business to run and a personal life, both of which had been seriously compromised by the continuous attention GG required. Devoting more time to GG was an unworkable solution.

After much thought, I finally decided to close Grief Group permanently. That was the only realistic answer I could see. Any other route would have been doomed to failure. Grief Chat, a planned successor to Grief Group, has also been closed permanently.

I've received numerous emails pleading for GG to reopen. As much as I'd like to accommodate you, the facts just won't allow it...my decision is final.

As an accommodation, I'm leaving our automatic Email Forwarding Service online for a while. You can send a message to any member, including myself (please don't contact me to discuss this matter). Our Email Forwarding Service will remain online until July 1, 2008. To send a message to a GG member, Click Here. You do not need their email address.

To the loyal members who have stood by me and were instrumental in helping others and improving GG: I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You deserve all the success that life can offer. I sincerely apologize for having to remove Grief Group from your lives.

To those members and ex-members who have worked so vehemently to destroy others on GG in order to further their secret agendas: you have succeeded...but not with the result you anticipated. Your poison has destroyed a safe haven and irreplaceable source of support for grievers everywhere. Your toxic behavior has made it impossible for GG to continue its mission. You have killed the goose that laid the golden egg. Camelot is gone.

----- ------, Webmaster
Grief Group/Grief Chat
June 1, 2008


I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

— Alfred Lord Tennyson, 1849

Edit in, March 8, 2009:

While roving the Net this past weekend, I discovered - to my delight - the net-fossil ;-) of a very candid discussion among Webmasters/site administrators who DO understand this dynamic.

You can find the details here, and I've pasted a choice excerpt from the leading post below:

Similarities between trolls and bullies:

1. Both trolls and bullies can cause enormous damage to a forum by their behaviour.

2. Both trolls and bullies usually have excellent communication skills using which they attack their opponents unmercifully.

3. Both trolls and bullies can be intimidating to any normal forum user.

4. Both trolls and bullies have the effect of creating bad blood.

5. Both trolls and bullies are hard to control without intervention right from the top - the forum administrator(s) or owner(s) because even moderators might find it hard to control them without support from others.

Differences

1. Trolls are usually isolated. They are generally short-lived in a forum. A person who signs up on a forum specifically to troll doesn't hang around in other parts of the forum and leaves as soon as the damage is done.

Bullies are more or less regular forum members who might have a huge post count and a following.

2. Trolls usually hit and run. A successful troll needs only a couple of posts in a single thread to turn it into a raging tornado.

Bullies stay on and intimidate other members by throwing their weight around and using their group of yes-people to lend force to their powerful attacks.

3. Trolls are usually identified for what they are.

Bullies rarely get identified for what they are, because they are regular members and nobody can suggest that they are ordinary trolls because they have a huge post count.

4. Trolls hardly respond to challenges. Instead they enjoy watching others fight.

Bullies enjoy fighting and run around bashing everybody who dares oppose them.

5. The potential damage done by trolls is limited to a particular topic of discussion or at most a forum.

The potential damage done by bullies is forum-wide and not related to topics, but to the personality of the bully and the kind of "respect" and "influence" s/he wields.

[Edits to qualify 'respect' and 'influence' and to be gender inclusive - Stormchild]