The Paradox of False Goodwill: Disbelieving the Victim
Nearly all of us have heard the term "blaming the victim". It's the attitude that, when a crime is committed [or subcriminal abuse occurs] - the person against whom the crime was committed somehow deserved or wanted to experience that harm.
The notion that they 'asked for it'.
This can be as blatant and harsh as siding with a child molester because the child who was molested is almost unbelievably beautiful [one can see envy at work in this case as well] --
it can be as subtle as blaming the pedestrian victim of a hit-and-run for trying to cross a busy street.
In cases of emotional and physical abuse, there's another reaction besides 'blaming the victim' that can do as much damage, if not more: disbelieving the victim.
Anyone who refuses to believe that an abuser is abusing you, or, more subtly, refuses to agree that it is abusive,
when you have described what is going on -
and justifies their disbelief with the claim that they "don't want to believe 'something bad' about someone" -
is, by definition, right there and right then choosing to believe something awful about you.
Think about it. If you've told them what some third party has done to you, and they're invalidating it - disbelieving you - then they are telling you that they believe you are not only lying, but are fabricating malicious allegations against this person.
They are also telling you that they would rather believe that you are malicious and a slanderer - or insane and hallucinating - than believe that a third party is abusing you.
Again, think about it. In life there are very few genuine either-ors, but this really is one of them. There is no neutral ground when you are honestly describing abuse you have experienced and asking for support.
This response can be just as abusive, psychologically, as the initial abuse you're attempting to discuss.
I do not understand, for the life of me, why more people don't
(a) recognize this
and
(b) jump all over their 'friends' and 'family' about it
when they see it happening.
Yes, it would probably mean the end of some relationships. But, in the long run, that means more room for decent new relationships with non-abusive people. Or, failing that, it means more peace and quiet.
Now, I'm not saying that an abuser can't be helped to become nonabusive. Some can. Nor am I saying that a good therapist or other intervening professional can't facilitate that by working with both the abuser and the target. Some can... but in order to do so, they absolutely must believe that the abuse is occurring. They must believe the target.
They can believe that the abuser can reform, but they must believe that the abuse is real.
The notion that they 'asked for it'.
This can be as blatant and harsh as siding with a child molester because the child who was molested is almost unbelievably beautiful [one can see envy at work in this case as well] --
it can be as subtle as blaming the pedestrian victim of a hit-and-run for trying to cross a busy street.
In cases of emotional and physical abuse, there's another reaction besides 'blaming the victim' that can do as much damage, if not more: disbelieving the victim.
Anyone who refuses to believe that an abuser is abusing you, or, more subtly, refuses to agree that it is abusive,
when you have described what is going on -
and justifies their disbelief with the claim that they "don't want to believe 'something bad' about someone" -
is, by definition, right there and right then choosing to believe something awful about you.
Think about it. If you've told them what some third party has done to you, and they're invalidating it - disbelieving you - then they are telling you that they believe you are not only lying, but are fabricating malicious allegations against this person.
They are also telling you that they would rather believe that you are malicious and a slanderer - or insane and hallucinating - than believe that a third party is abusing you.
Again, think about it. In life there are very few genuine either-ors, but this really is one of them. There is no neutral ground when you are honestly describing abuse you have experienced and asking for support.
This response can be just as abusive, psychologically, as the initial abuse you're attempting to discuss.
I do not understand, for the life of me, why more people don't
(a) recognize this
and
(b) jump all over their 'friends' and 'family' about it
when they see it happening.
Yes, it would probably mean the end of some relationships. But, in the long run, that means more room for decent new relationships with non-abusive people. Or, failing that, it means more peace and quiet.
Now, I'm not saying that an abuser can't be helped to become nonabusive. Some can. Nor am I saying that a good therapist or other intervening professional can't facilitate that by working with both the abuser and the target. Some can... but in order to do so, they absolutely must believe that the abuse is occurring. They must believe the target.
They can believe that the abuser can reform, but they must believe that the abuse is real.
posted by Stormchild at 7.2.07
1 comments
