Looking for Patterns - and Going Berserk
So at this point I am facing the fact that my behavior in a specific time and place was abusive, and I'm going to avoid making excuses for it as best I can during this next post.
"Accept those things you cannot change..."
I can't change the past, not even the immediate past. But I can make an effort to understand it, and by doing so, perhaps change the future.
Appropriately.
The Dance of Anger is turning out to be exactly the right book at exactly the right time. It's about recurring behavioral patterns, driven by anger that's not clearly understood or acknowledged. Best of all, the author is willing to share her own patterns and explore her own anger, and that's exactly the model I need right now.
It's pretty obvious to me that my behavior was driven by anger. Large anger, serious anger. I need to know where this anger comes from - and 'a history of abuse' isn't specific enough. This was very specific anger. I am willing to bet that it has a similarly specific source.
First Uncomfortable Question for this post. Have I ever done anything like this before?
Get coffee, sit still. Pray to be honest with myself. Remember.
Yes. As a matter of fact, I have done this before. Very rarely, but that's beside the point right now.
OK: what were the circumstances when I did this before?
Don't rush, this isn't a timed final exam.
Let me see. About 18 months ago, I 'blew back' at an office bully who exploded in my face without real provocation because he asked me to do X and I told him I would take care of it as soon as I finished Y, which I was working on at that very moment in order to meet a deadline.
Was I rude to the person in any way before he blew up? Think seriously about this. No, I wasn't. I was Leveling, speaking the truth. I didn't diminish his need but I also didn't set it above my legitimate priority at the time, which was to finish Y. I reassured him that X would be next and would be done that day, in fact, if at all possible.
How did I 'blow back' at him?
He blew up at me, called me a collection of scatological terms, and stomped out of my office, leaving me in a state of complete shock. I didn't become sad, as I would have earlier. Nor did I become frightened, as I would have earlier. I was just stunned by the unwarranted abuse, recognizing it for what it was.
I blew back at him when he came back for seconds. He tried to do a drive-by dump on me again, about 30 minutes later, while I was now trying to finish Y and, at the same time, figure out how to address his outburst constructively, because I wasn't going to let it go.
Bad, bad time to try anything. This time I let him have it, verbally, with very few holds barred. I didn't use scatological language about him, but I did use it, as in:
By the time I finished, my Department head was grinning at me, and when I said, 'I understand if you're displeased about this but I didn't see much of an alternative that would have had any real impact, and I can't accept that kind of treatment.' ... he winked at me and said 'Go get 'em Tiger'.
OK... that doesn't quite fit the bill. That was weaponized anger, and probably falls under the category Just Use of Force, aka Setting A Boundary With TNT. It also seems to have worked, at least up until now.
When else have I gone berserk?
Oh. My.
Berserk, as in berserker. As in:
Or as in the psychohistory suggested by my father, when I came home from college wearing a Frank Frazetta T-shirt captioned "Berserker", featuring a horn-helmed warrior, battle-axe in hand, fighting desperately against a massed army of ghoulies and ghastlies...
"Poor b---d," he said, after applauding my choice of artist; "What else do you do when you know you're outnumbered, you'll never see your wife and kids again, you're cornered and you're doomed? What else can you do but take as many of them with you as possible when you go? Who knows how many survived by using that tactic? The Celts were famous for it... good girl, you're true to your heritage. Don't forget where you came from." And he, too, grinned at me...
Interesting memory that. "Go get 'em Tiger", 35 years earlier.
OK. This doesn't quite do it either... but it does one very important thing. You can see that I've been given implicit, if not explicit, permission to use anger, as a weapon, by two men in positions of authority in my life.
Not indiscriminately. In desperate straits - especially in that long-ago conversation with my father. But the implication was definitely there with my department head as well.
I've run about as long as I should, for a single post, at this point, and I didn't get where I thought I would. I have instead come up with one instance of constructively but forcefully expressed anger and two instances of strong male figures giving me permission to have and express anger, even strongly.
Not what I intended. A little too much like making excuses for it, if I don't push beyond this point.
So I have to keep pushing.
I've remembered some instances that truly do correspond to my recent idiotic behavior, much more closely. Fortunately, they're widely spaced in time, which does make me feel a little better.
But I need to go over them. And the berserker business is going to be very relevant, I think.
I also begin to suspect it wasn't by chance that a British young man, who loved me once, long ago, christened me Boudicca. I had entirely forgotten that, too, until just now. I believe he meant it as a compliment...
"Accept those things you cannot change..."
I can't change the past, not even the immediate past. But I can make an effort to understand it, and by doing so, perhaps change the future.
Appropriately.
The Dance of Anger is turning out to be exactly the right book at exactly the right time. It's about recurring behavioral patterns, driven by anger that's not clearly understood or acknowledged. Best of all, the author is willing to share her own patterns and explore her own anger, and that's exactly the model I need right now.
It's pretty obvious to me that my behavior was driven by anger. Large anger, serious anger. I need to know where this anger comes from - and 'a history of abuse' isn't specific enough. This was very specific anger. I am willing to bet that it has a similarly specific source.
First Uncomfortable Question for this post. Have I ever done anything like this before?
Get coffee, sit still. Pray to be honest with myself. Remember.
Yes. As a matter of fact, I have done this before. Very rarely, but that's beside the point right now.
OK: what were the circumstances when I did this before?
Don't rush, this isn't a timed final exam.
Let me see. About 18 months ago, I 'blew back' at an office bully who exploded in my face without real provocation because he asked me to do X and I told him I would take care of it as soon as I finished Y, which I was working on at that very moment in order to meet a deadline.
Was I rude to the person in any way before he blew up? Think seriously about this. No, I wasn't. I was Leveling, speaking the truth. I didn't diminish his need but I also didn't set it above my legitimate priority at the time, which was to finish Y. I reassured him that X would be next and would be done that day, in fact, if at all possible.
How did I 'blow back' at him?
He blew up at me, called me a collection of scatological terms, and stomped out of my office, leaving me in a state of complete shock. I didn't become sad, as I would have earlier. Nor did I become frightened, as I would have earlier. I was just stunned by the unwarranted abuse, recognizing it for what it was.
I blew back at him when he came back for seconds. He tried to do a drive-by dump on me again, about 30 minutes later, while I was now trying to finish Y and, at the same time, figure out how to address his outburst constructively, because I wasn't going to let it go.
Bad, bad time to try anything. This time I let him have it, verbally, with very few holds barred. I didn't use scatological language about him, but I did use it, as in:
"And you didn't give a rat's * what the h--- I was doing or had to do, for what, or how many other tasks I have, you didn't give a s--- that I have had to work overtime, weekends, holidays to get this d--- thing done.Then I immediately got up, walked down the hall to my department head, and told on myself, leaving nothing out. One of the things I told on myself about is that I've never done this before, anywhere, on any job, ever, which is true. I also clarified that I don't plan to do it again, ever, unless similarly provoked, but that I would reserve the right to do it again, in very much the same way, if treated that way again by anyone.
HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!!! DON'T YOU EVER SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN!!!! I NEVER WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING BUT PLEASE AND THANK YOU FROM YOU AS LONG AS YOU WORK HERE!!!!! NOW GET OUT OF MY OFFICE AND DON'T COME BACK!!!!!!!"
By the time I finished, my Department head was grinning at me, and when I said, 'I understand if you're displeased about this but I didn't see much of an alternative that would have had any real impact, and I can't accept that kind of treatment.' ... he winked at me and said 'Go get 'em Tiger'.
OK... that doesn't quite fit the bill. That was weaponized anger, and probably falls under the category Just Use of Force, aka Setting A Boundary With TNT. It also seems to have worked, at least up until now.
When else have I gone berserk?
Oh. My.
Berserk, as in berserker. As in:
The etymology of the term *berserk* is disputed. It may mean:
• "*bare*-sark," as in "bare of shirt" and refer to the berserker's habit of going into battle unarmoured, or often, completely naked. Ynglingasaga records this tradition, saying of the warriors of Odhinn that "they went without coats of mail, and acted like mad dogs and wolves" (Snorri Sturluson. Heimskringla: History of the Kings of Norway. trans. Lee M. Holander. Austin: U of Texas P. 1964. p.10).
• Others have contended that the term should be read "*bear*-sark," and describes the animal-skin garb of ther berserker. Grettirs Saga calls King Harald's berserkers "Wolf-Skins," and in King Harald's Saga they are called *ulfhedinn* or "wolf-coats," a term which appears in Vatnsdoela Saga and Hrafnsmal (Hilda R. Ellis-Davidson,"Shape-Changing in the Old Norse Sagas, " in Animals in Folklore. eds. J.R. Porter and W.M.S. Russell. Totowa NJ: Rowman and Littlefield. 1978. pp. 132-133), as well as in Grettirs Saga (Denton Fox and Hermann Palsson, trans. Grettir's Saga." Toronto: U of Toronto P. 1961. p. 3).
• Some berserks also took names with björn or biôrn in them in reference to a bear. This is likely to be the source of names such as Beowulf and Bödvar Bjarki.
Or as in the psychohistory suggested by my father, when I came home from college wearing a Frank Frazetta T-shirt captioned "Berserker", featuring a horn-helmed warrior, battle-axe in hand, fighting desperately against a massed army of ghoulies and ghastlies...
"Poor b---d," he said, after applauding my choice of artist; "What else do you do when you know you're outnumbered, you'll never see your wife and kids again, you're cornered and you're doomed? What else can you do but take as many of them with you as possible when you go? Who knows how many survived by using that tactic? The Celts were famous for it... good girl, you're true to your heritage. Don't forget where you came from." And he, too, grinned at me...
Interesting memory that. "Go get 'em Tiger", 35 years earlier.
OK. This doesn't quite do it either... but it does one very important thing. You can see that I've been given implicit, if not explicit, permission to use anger, as a weapon, by two men in positions of authority in my life.
Not indiscriminately. In desperate straits - especially in that long-ago conversation with my father. But the implication was definitely there with my department head as well.
I've run about as long as I should, for a single post, at this point, and I didn't get where I thought I would. I have instead come up with one instance of constructively but forcefully expressed anger and two instances of strong male figures giving me permission to have and express anger, even strongly.
Not what I intended. A little too much like making excuses for it, if I don't push beyond this point.
So I have to keep pushing.
I've remembered some instances that truly do correspond to my recent idiotic behavior, much more closely. Fortunately, they're widely spaced in time, which does make me feel a little better.
But I need to go over them. And the berserker business is going to be very relevant, I think.
I also begin to suspect it wasn't by chance that a British young man, who loved me once, long ago, christened me Boudicca. I had entirely forgotten that, too, until just now. I believe he meant it as a compliment...
posted by Stormchild at 27.1.09
8 comments
