Pattern Recognition, Part 2: Labeling and Mind-Reading

Tolstoi famously said every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way; but it's the other way around. Every dysfunctional group has a great deal in common with other dysfunctional groups. There's a limited set of games, thank God; we can learn to recognize the moves.

Your family of origin is the first group / system you experience; what you learn there, you take with you into every other system you encounter. School, church, the office, the bowling league, the bridge club... all of these are groups, all operate as systems. All have their own group dynamics, roles, and taboos.

We can learn to recognize healthy groups, unhealthy groups, bullying, cliques, and so forth. What we are doing, in a sense, is learning to read the 'group mind'. It's not arcane wisdom; it's just 'street smarts', but it's happening in the office or the rectory. And we are also using labels; we label certain behaviors as healthy, others as unhealthy. Or productive and unproductive; mature and immature.

Now let's take that idea one step further. If it's possible to read a 'group mind', assess group dynamics, even label and predict group behavior, then it must also be possible, to some extent at least, to do something similar at the individual level. After all, every group is composed of individuals.

But, in this culture, there is a prevalent assumption that it is 'bad' to label. That it's not possible to know what someone is likely to be thinking in certain situations, or guess how they might react. That's called 'mind-reading', and it's culturally held to be an impossibility - sacrilegious even to contemplate - because we human beings are complex, unfathomable mysteries, each one of us utterly unique.

Not quite.

Consider - for just a moment what life would be like - if this were literally and completely true.

There would be no language; how could there be? Your vocalizations and mine would be - utterly unique. If we could be said to ascribe any meaning to them, such meaning would also be - utterly unique.

Social organization would be likewise impossible. Without basic commonalities, human interaction would be complete and utter chaos.

At the ultimate extreme, we as a species - could never even have been a species; if each of us were truly unique, we would have no commonality on even the genetic level. How would we reproduce? Humankind could not exist, if we were each utterly unique and distinct.

This, of course, is an exaggeration - but the cultural position sometimes seems that extreme; and it's often defended almost as extremely.

Let me present a provocative alternative. Let us suppose that 'labeling' and 'mind-reading', rather than being forms of social sacrilege, are actually essential daily activities that we engage in more or less continuously, in many different ways and on many different levels - and that, in some instances, even keep us alive.

If you are diabetic, aren't you grateful for the 'label' that has literally saved your life? Being 'labeled' diabetic means that you get medication to correct an otherwise fatal metabolic abnormality - that can be managed and compensated for - because you know what it is. You know what to watch, and how to watch it.

If you have migraine, aren't you grateful for that 'label'? The one that tells you: when you start seeing shimmery things in your left eye, you have about 20 minutes while the shimmery things [scotoma] move across your visual field, before the headache hits, so take your medication / do your biofeedback / get into bed with a heating pad now?

These labels allow us to name, demystify, and manage situations that otherwise might kill us. And that's also true of labels such as: alcoholism. Codependency. Bipolar disorder. Depression...

Here's another provocative notion.

If 'mind reading' is such an awful thing, and so impossible to do; if each human being's interior reality is an utterly unfathomable mystery that cannot ever be understood by comparison to any other human being's inner workings....

Then how can anyone ever diagnose 'depression', 'bipolar disorder', or any other similar problem? How can there be prognoses for these conditions? And how can any of the medications and therapies for them even work?

The truth of the matter is - we are all built from the same basic blueprint, GATTACA GATTACA GATTACA... and that blueprint can be flawed in certain ways, with certain predictable effects. We are also built to grow at a certain rate, to learn certain things at certain times, and to respond to certain stimuli in certain ways. If something interferes with these processes, we are likely to react to that interference in certain specific ways.

There is nothing demeaning or reductionist about any of this. It is, on the contrary, comforting. It does not mean that we are identical automatons; Milton, Van Gogh, Mahalia Jackson, Leo Kottke prove and prove again just how rich the varieties of human experience can be. What it means is this: the darkness is not totally without form, and void; it is only a lack of knowledge, not absolute chaos.

Addicted to Drama

Having done a search on the title phrase, I found an article here that pretty much says it all. Rather than reinvent the wheel, I've reproduced it below, with heartfelt thanks.
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Are You or Your Partner Addicted to Drama? 

We are all familiar with chemical addictions to intoxicating substances such as alcohol or cocaine. Sex, work and internet use are also frequently mentioned as aspects of life that can be used addictively. The least recognized addiction in our society, however, may be the addiction to drama which manifests in so many relationships. While drama is a legitimate category of cinema and theater, as an addictive process in relationships it refers to an ongoing dysfunctional need to continually recreate unsafe and unhealthy emotional intensity in one's relationships. 

What is the attraction to drama? The drama addict is hooked on the adrenaline rush of relationships and people that appear wildly exciting in their intensity. But don't confuse these ''exciting'' qualities with love: lots of intense conflict, punctuated with yelling, screaming, throwing things, as well as verbal and physical abuse; frequent dramatic breakups and passionate makeups; ongoing lying and cheating; withholding of truth; betrayal of trust; emotional and/or physical affairs; spying on each other; poor or non-existent boundaries; and racing from the height of ecstasy to the pit of despair in an out-of-control emotional roller coaster. 

Drama addiction is so supported and even honored in our media that it has become transparent for many people. Portrayals of relationships in the movies and soap operas often involve a degree of lying, deception, affairs and general dysfunction in far greater proportion than exists in real lives. And nowhere is this expressed more blatantly than on talk shows, often seen as the lowest common denominator of sensationalistic programming. 

We had a fascinating glimpse into the inner world of television talk shows last year when we were invited to be expert guests on a national talk show that was to discuss healthy ways for couples to handle infidelity. We made it clear that we would not participate in a sensationalistic show and we were reassured repeatedly that this would be a quality show where issues about infidelity would be discussed in a healthy manner. We were briefed ahead of time about the guests scheduled to appear on the show and felt comfortable with the setup. Once we were in the studio, however, the host and producer of the show kept changing the format and even changing the guests. And just two minutes before we were to go on, we were informed of a ''slight change'' whereby the entire show was totally changed, resulting in the exact kind of sensationalistic show we said we wouldn't be part of. We ended up walking off the show, much to the consternation of the producer, who tried in vain to manipulate us through guilt, intimidation and even verbal abuse into staying and doing the show. 

In the meantime, we felt betrayed and lied to. Not even one part of what we were told ahead of time was part of the actual show that aired. Out on the street, we came upon an angry group of ''guests'' who never appeared on the actual show, though they were all told they would be. We and all the other guests had willingly participated in an unhealthy dramatic relationship, lured by the promise of our 15 minutes of fame. And when it was over, everyone felt cheap and used, angry and empty. 

This is precisely what happens in relationships characterized by drama addiction. People in these relationships have very little capacity for empathic sharing and selfless companionship, both of which are essential qualities in genuine love. Dramatic love relationships are essentially self-serving and when the person can no longer supply the necessary ''high,'' they are abandoned. In the end, the people involved feel isolated, alone, their emotional needs unmet. But they quickly move on, to find the next trigger for their addiction and to distract and numb themselves from the pain and emptiness inside. 

When someone feels a need to continually create drama in their lives and relationships, this is often a compensation for an underlying emptiness or depression in their lives. Often such people have not yet connected with their true life purpose or inner aliveness. In fact, they may only feel alive when they get that familiar adrenaline rush that lets them know they have created another messy situation. Other people who create dramatic relationships may have successfully dealt with other addictions and have transferred their need for excitement and intensity to relationships. 

If you recognize yourself as a drama addict, examine the types of relationships you have created in the present and past. Did you mistake intensity or need or lust or drama for love? What did you do to promote the drama? How did you handle conflict in yourself and your partner? What information did you withhold? What provoking remarks or behavior did you engage in? 

If you come from drama in your family, your brain is preset to resonate with feelings of chemistry and infatuation with someone from a similar background. Once you understand that what you thought was love is really drama addiction, your journey of healing and path to genuine love can begin. Slow down and de-intensify your next relationship. Be honest with yourself and your partner. Recognize that true love is not a consistently intense feeling but rather a series of actions, hundreds and thousands of small repeated kindnesses, many of which may not be as dramatic or intoxicating as running out of your home and slamming the door at 3 am during a fight. But the cumulative effect of these repeated kindnesses is a powerful, deep, reciprocal loving connection, where you can truly get - and give - the love your heart most deeply yearns for. And that is ultimately the most exciting love of all. 
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I'd add only a few thoughts.

First, some level of addiction to drama is probably unavoidable for most folks with codependency issues... which means... most folks.

Second, it may be unavoidable but it isn't inescapable.

Third, and finally, it's pretty easy to tell if you're vulnerable to it, mired up to your neck in it, or becoming free of it. When you're confronted with a situation that fits the above descriptions,

which way do you run?