A Lab Practical In Anthroherpetology.

Oh dearie me...

I've been blogging here since August 2006 [seems like no time at all]. During that time I've experienced some remarkable human savagery, witnessed far too many other people doing likewise, yet - generally - managed to keep my affect at "Minimum Safe Distance" for blogging / processing / healing purposes [see Aliens for an explanation of Minimum Safe Distance] throughout.

I was beginning to wonder if perhaps I really have learned a few things; it looks as though I'm going to find out.

I seem to be getting a Lab Practical in Anthroherpetology.

For the record, I don't discuss my profession or my work here in much detail, and I don't intend for that to change. It's not because it's irrelevant. Au contraire - it is just relevant enough to provide inspiration and insight if left in the background, and to get in the way to a major extent if it ever got into the foreground.

However, I have at times discussed my workplace and its dynamics here.

I've decided to try a double experiment. I'm going to blog my way through the Lab Practical with minimal disguising of details - just enough to shield people involved. Comments will be welcome, because this really IS a lab practical, as you will shortly see.

And it has barely begun.

Onward...

We have recently added a new face to the happy throng at my place of employment, and the Red Flags are a-flyin'.

I was caught off guard at first. This was not because my immediate superiors are enthused about this person, although they are. Their pattern for the past several years has been wild, loud, public enthusiasm for all new hires, right until the poor souls actually show up and start working. Then, the newbies are usually devalued and targeted within three months of their start dates, regardless of actual performance, talent, ability, etc. Unless they've trained in one specific discipline, but even that is no guarantee.

Normally, I ignore the propaganda and wait to see who arrives and what they're like. This time, though, the new hire is a Former-Colleague-of-Someone-Else. And 'Someone Else' has been here awhile, been through the devaluation-targeting cycle himself, survived it in much the same way that I have, and sees very clearly what's going on around the place.

When I set the Supervisory Enthusiasm alongside the Collegial Endorsement, it seemed to me that we'd probably get a savvy guy who wouldn't be too easily fooled.

Our newest Mouseketeer [Mick for short] started work about a week ago. Here's what I've seen so far.

1. Mick can't listen. Literally can't. He'll ask a question, and as soon as you begin to answer it, he starts to fidget; within a few sentences, he jumps in and tells you he knows that already.

Then he asks the question again.

This is a game; it's about you being wrong and him being right/superior/etc. It's also about your time being less important than his. I've been sucked in twice, but now I tell him I'll send him an email. I then send him relevant URLs, titles of SOPs, etc; when he comes back with questions about those, I aim him at the guys who hired him.

2. Mick is a chiseler. This one embarrasses me a little, because the setup was classic but I didn't see it coming. Mick's buddy, "Jon", took a day off last week and asked me to keep Mick company and help him out. I suggested lunch at a restaurant that Jon and I both like, and Mick showed great enthusiasm, even pulling up the online menu and checking prices, telling me the cost seemed very reasonable, etc.

Sho 'nuff, we get there, we eat, he stiffs me with the bill. Now don't misunderstand me: I did not expect him to pay my way. Rather, it was well established that each of us would pay their own way. Remember all that malarkey about the prices being reasonable? Then the check arrived -- and he punted. It wasn't the old 'left my wallet in the desk' trick, it was far more audacious: 'I'll treat next time, OK?' Said shamelessly right under the waiter's nose. Whew!

Not much to do about that except shut my teeth and take it, as the Brits say. But it made a lasting impression.

Today, Jon got back, and wanted to have lunch with the two of us. Sure, I said sweetly, I'd love to. When we got there, I asked for separate checks. When they came up, I handed mine to Mick, saying 'Your turn to treat, now! Thanks so much," then proceeded to tell Jon about all the lovely things we ate on Friday "when I treated, now aren't you sorry you missed it!"

Next time, there won't be a next time.

3. Mick is exploitive. We already know this, see above. But wait, there's more... that lunch today? About an hour before we left, Jon had a meeting to go to, and Mick sat in on it to 'learn the ropes'. On their way to the meeting, Mick tossed me the online menu with his order and Jon's marked and suggested I call it in for all of us, so we wouldn't have to wait when we got to the restaurant at noon.

Hmm. He's been here four days, I've been here ten years, I have two more degrees than he does, twenty more years of relevant experience in this field... and now I'm his secretary. Oh-kayyyyy.....

So I looked up the meeting on the calendar, and my belief in God was reaffirmed.

After grinning evilly for a good 30 seconds, I decided to go ahead and call the order in... placing orders for 12 noon, firm, eating in. At 11:15, when the meeting broke up just as early as I knew it would, Mick bounced into my office and said, "Hey, we're out early, let's go!" To which I replied... "Oh rats, I wish I'd known that would happen; I've already called in the orders - for noon precisely. I can meet you there; I'm going to finish this report now, but you and Jon can run on ahead if you like."

Jon, of course, wouldn't hear of leaving without me. So Mick got to wait. And wait. And wait.

Next time, there won't be a next time for that one either.

4. Mick is a con artist. Yeah, we already know that too, don't we? But wait, again, there's more, again.

This one will take your breath away.

We're sitting at lunch, and Mick starts philosophizing. Remember now, he's been here four whole days.

Our job, he tells me earnestly, is to make sure that our supervisors look good. In order to do that, he assures me sincerely, we need to be really tactful when we present new ideas.

It would be a really good idea, he thinks, for me to share my suggestions and recommendations with him and Jon, and let the two of them present my brilliant notions to our higher-ups, so I don't have to contend with the resistance I'm naturally going to encounter...

just because I've been around so long...

that nobody pays any attention to what I have to say, anymore.

Thanks be to God, and to Saint Robert Hare, Ph.D., and to Saint John Babiak, Ph.D. ... to my amazement, I saw through this as it was being played.

"Oh gosh", I responded, girlishly [ugh]. "Would you believe, that's never been my problem here... My ideas are picked up with so much enthusiasm that sometimes people forget to give me credit for them! Now, I've already started fixing that problem. But it's kind of you to offer to help. I'm sure we'll work together really well as a team."

Wow.

That was definitely the Last Lunch Ever with Good Old Mick.

"Rikk-tikk-tikki-tikki-tchk!"

I wish I owned a mongoose.

But I don't,

so I'll just have to put the EEO office on speed-dial.