So... What's Going On Here?
Well, now.
After sitting back and looking at the situation, I've reached the conclusion that I recently pulled the most genius move of my entire emotional career:
I tried to get [an] abuser[s] to stop being abusive by abusing [him] them.
Oh yeah, that's really going to go somewhere constructive. But as attractive as a 2-day ***headdesk*** session might be [and it is, oh it is] I think it's going to be a lot more constructive if I sit with this and try to learn from it.
First: yes, you read that accurately. My behavior, by my own evaluation, was abusive.
What you aren't reading or seeing - here and now, anyway - is how adroitly - and desperately - I've been trying to excuse, rationalize, shift blame for, etc. etc. etc. my own abusive behavior in this instance.
Trust me on this. It's been remarkable to watch myself. Wiggle wiggle, squirm squirm. Avoid, distract, excuse, justify, squirm, wiggle. Whew.
The amount of mental energy I've put into trying to avoid facing this plain fact is truly impressive.
I really really don't want to see that behavior as abusive. I've become honest enough that I can't duck the abusive part. So Wiggle Wiggle Squirm Squirm wants to see it as "abusive, but..."
No, uh-uh. That road's closed. There is no "abusive, but". Abusive behavior is unacceptable, and there are always non-abusive options. I know this. I've been explaining it for two years now, I'd better know it.
So. I'm going to take this in baby steps - it's very tiring, being partly outside myself ['Just Saying No' to my Inner Thug] and at the same time, being in there wiggling around trying to cook up a credible excuse for acting like a cretin. What's more, I know that wiggling squirming stuff is going to resume the minute my 'executive function' attention shifts elsewhere. So I'll tag it as MonkeyMind, aka the Old Adam [or Eve, in my case], and just let it squirm, and try not to believe anything it says.
Onward.
By the way, prayers are being said and will keep being said throughout this process, as they have been throughout other processes. I hope to spend my latter years 'in community', and I have no intention of bringing this in there with me, if at all possible.
After sitting back and looking at the situation, I've reached the conclusion that I recently pulled the most genius move of my entire emotional career:
I tried to get [an] abuser[s] to stop being abusive by abusing [him] them.
Oh yeah, that's really going to go somewhere constructive. But as attractive as a 2-day ***headdesk*** session might be [and it is, oh it is] I think it's going to be a lot more constructive if I sit with this and try to learn from it.
First: yes, you read that accurately. My behavior, by my own evaluation, was abusive.
What you aren't reading or seeing - here and now, anyway - is how adroitly - and desperately - I've been trying to excuse, rationalize, shift blame for, etc. etc. etc. my own abusive behavior in this instance.
Trust me on this. It's been remarkable to watch myself. Wiggle wiggle, squirm squirm. Avoid, distract, excuse, justify, squirm, wiggle. Whew.
The amount of mental energy I've put into trying to avoid facing this plain fact is truly impressive.
I really really don't want to see that behavior as abusive. I've become honest enough that I can't duck the abusive part. So Wiggle Wiggle Squirm Squirm wants to see it as "abusive, but..."
No, uh-uh. That road's closed. There is no "abusive, but". Abusive behavior is unacceptable, and there are always non-abusive options. I know this. I've been explaining it for two years now, I'd better know it.
So. I'm going to take this in baby steps - it's very tiring, being partly outside myself ['Just Saying No' to my Inner Thug] and at the same time, being in there wiggling around trying to cook up a credible excuse for acting like a cretin. What's more, I know that wiggling squirming stuff is going to resume the minute my 'executive function' attention shifts elsewhere. So I'll tag it as MonkeyMind, aka the Old Adam [or Eve, in my case], and just let it squirm, and try not to believe anything it says.
Onward.
By the way, prayers are being said and will keep being said throughout this process, as they have been throughout other processes. I hope to spend my latter years 'in community', and I have no intention of bringing this in there with me, if at all possible.
posted by Stormchild at 26.1.09
2 comments
